


(no) escape

by draeco



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 20:03:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7546033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draeco/pseuds/draeco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's night, which means draco can't stop thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(no) escape

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically a self-indulgent rambling drabble.. not really meant to be taken seriously bc i just wanted to write for the first time in a while and really write for myself so i basically projected a lot of my own feelings into draco's character,, lol sorry
> 
> might get back into trying to write more soon. not sure.

the night is draco’s escape, but it is also his hell.

nighttime is a pause from the annoyance of other people, a time of rest where the world becomes a little quieter and it’s easier to hide. but while everything else retreats, there is nothing to stop his mind from thinking, thinking, thinking.

it’s not even thinking anymore, really, but more of a recitation of ideas that he’s said to himself so many times that they’re fact. 

harry potter, the boy who didn’t do anything at first except survive and now does everything. the boy who is too skinny to be healthy but is probably the best quidditch player hogwarts has had in a century or more. the boy who falls asleep and scrapes by in most classes but manages to slay a basilisk at twelve and conjure a true patronus at thirteen. the boy who draco hates because he shouldn’t be attractive but he is, the boy who draco spends entirely too much time thinking about, the boy who is part of the reason why draco hates himself because he is a reminder that draco will never be enough. for potter, for anyone.

instead of normal idolization that the typical person would submit to, draco has turned his obsession into something much more unhealthy. it’s dangerous, not only to him but whoever’s unfortunate enough to be in his range of attack. he lashes out whenever the emotions become too much because it’s not fair that he has to feel all of this by himself. it’s not fair that he has much of the same thoughts as everyone else, that he too worships harry potter, and he won’t be noticed, let alone accepted. at least this method of verbal attack and sometimes more will bring some attention to him. at least it gives him somewhere to focus his anger, anger built from years of indirect rejection 

it’s selfish. it’s not news that draco is a selfish person. but at the same time, doesn’t everyone deserve to be somewhat selfish? is it really too much to ask for a time of happiness that he can keep in his memories even when it inevitably ends? apparently it is too much. draco was born wealthy and will stay that way, he has both his parents, and he does well in school, so he’s not supposed to complain that much. but he does, because he still doesn’t know much about happiness and isn’t sure how much he’s ever felt it. happiness. the hardest thing to ask for.

he wants to tell all of this to someone, but he also doesn’t. it wouldn’t help much because there’s really nothing he can do to solve the root problem and no advice will help. even if he had someone to actually say anything to. even if saying it out loud wouldn’t make him feel weak -- he knows he’s weak already, but it’s even worse admitting that to someone explicitly. how weak would it be to let someone else know that the same stupid thoughts visit him relentlessly and he still has the same reaction.

he still has fleeting thoughts sometimes of hopeful possibilities. if there’s a chance things would be different if he could go somewhere where no one knew him and he could try again, if then maybe one person could genuinely like him without motive or obligation. but he knows that’s stupid too, because trying that much is too hard. he cannot initiate anything anymore. once is hard enough, and then when he doesn’t get the response he wants it hurts too much to try again. there’s no harm in trying, people say, but there is harm. harm to himself, inside, because he knows that next to no one really wants him. 

there’s really nothing. nothing he can do and nothing else he can feel. nothing in reality changes, but each day he feels himself getting weaker because he can’t stand staying like this. since he’s already delusional, it doesn’t matter if he hopes that these overwhelming thoughts will consume him entirely. if he falls into a dreamless sleep and doesn’t wake up so he doesn’t have to think anymore.

anything to stop, because he can’t do it himself.


End file.
